


I Don't Want to Let This Go

by orphan_account



Series: See the Stars [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 15:12:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6013446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Poe didn't believe in love at first sight. He'd watched others fall in love a million times before, but true romance just wasn't something he experienced. After many years of aching for this kind of feeling, he accepted that it wasn't going to happen.'</p>
<p>After his injury, Finn is in a coma, and there isn't much chance of him waking up. Poe wonders if it's him or Finn who is suffering more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Don't Want to Let This Go

Poe didn't believe in love at first sight. He'd watched others fall in love a million times before, but true romance just wasn't something he experienced, even though he'd slept with people before, and had a few relationships, but in the end it didn't mean anything. Obviously he'd liked people before, he was human, but nobody had set his heart on fire or made him dizzy. He'd never found himself completely infatuated with someone, or met anyone who made him feel like he had butterflies in his stomach. After many years of aching for this kind of feeling, he accepted that it wasn't going to happen. Well, so he thought it wouldn't, because now, there's an ex-stormtrooper in the hospital bed beside him, and he's not entirely sure what to think.

"He took a bad blow to the back Rey" Poe quaked, not moving his eyes from the sleeping Finn beside him. He looked so lifeless, so disturbingly peaceful, it was like he wasn't even there. "The med-droids question whether he'll wake up at all." His words made Rey sick to her stomach, adding to the already unsettling atmosphere around. She gave him a sympathetic smile, as she truly felt sorry for him. But Finn's absence hit her hard, too. It was like her sibling had been ripped away from her, he was her first true friend, it killed her to see him in such a state. "He'll pull through." She doubted whether she believed her own words. "He's fought through so much, this can't be it for him. It can't be." They sat in dead air, yet the words unsaid spoke more than they ever could. Either of them could babble on about how he will survive, and how he will be okay, but it wouldn't change anything. Poe folded the jacket in which he had lent to Finn and placed it carefully on the chair. In an odd way, it symbolised hope, which was something they all definitely needed . "He's going to wake up." Poe stammered. "He's going to wake up. He's going to wake up."

He visited him daily, as he felt inclined to. He carried on working everyday as usual, but things were different now. All the other pilots stopped giving him the important jobs since he spent most of the day distracted, which is quite dangerous when you spend the day repairing and flying X-Wing Fighters. Nobody said anything to him for a while, even though they noticed a vast change in his behaviour and began to become concerned. They practically turned a blind eye to it, as they feared that mentioning it would lead to an emotional outburst to the already-fragile Poe. After some time, Jessika was the one to ask him how he was holding up.  
"How is he doing?" She mumbled, looking cautious, but empathetic nevertheless. The mention of Finn caused Poe to glare at her. He looked tired, but not the type where he needed to sleep,but rather the type where he needed to drop the heavy load he was carrying around and escape the world for a little while. "He's not awake. They're doing all that they can, but it's whether that's enough, I suppose." Jessika gave a small nod to everything he said. There was a large silence before she looked at him again. "Don't give up on him, Dameron."  
"I won't."

Soon after that, Rey left. At first, he believed that she had gone home to Jakku and leaving them when they need her the most, but in fact she was involved in one of the most important missions the Resistance had ever organised. If she succeeded, she'd be a bigger hero than she already was, she'd be the one everyone looked up to. Despite him wanting her to stay, he knew how important this was for her, and he couldn't be more proud. "Are you nervous?"  
"Of course, wouldn't you be? Everything that's happened to us has been leading up to this. It should be you going, let's be honest!" Poe smiled at the compliment, but in reality, they both knew why she was going: she was practically a jedi, while he was a pilot mourning someone who wasn't his to begin with. "Do you know when you'll be back?" She shook her head in retort, her eyes looking down to the floor, "I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise." Poe smiled, and hugged her one last time. "Good luck, I know you can do it." And with that, she was gone.

Days grew longer, progressing slower than anything he had ever known.The forlorn metal chair next to Finn's hospital bed had become a reasonable alternative opposed to the soft mattress he was used to, and he might as well call the med-bay his home since he spent so much time there. He didn't really do much there but sit there, occasionally talking to him as if he was listening. Popular conversations included work, jokes which were thrown around the room between Jessika and Snap, funny anecdotes from his childhood, and very, very rarely, his parents. These words sometimes evolved into much more desperate monologues, involving him begging for Finn to just wake up. The worst part was, people began to prepare him for the future as if it was already over. Finn still had some determination and strength left in him, he strongly believed that, even if others didn't, but it was becoming more and more difficult to have faith alone. The longer he pushed through alone, the more he began to crack under the weight of his stress, and eventually, he broke.

On nights like these, the med-bay was completely silent apart from the alarming beeps of life support machines and the light breathing of patients, or in this case, Finn. The only source of light was the golden glow of the lamp next to the bed where he lay, lightly illuminating his face. But, that night, the noises were replaced by the sounds of Poe's sobs as he sat next to Finn, his back leaning on the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest. His eyes were red, puffy, and incredibly bloodshot, the bags under them becoming darker and more defined with each deep exhale. Tears glistened on his cheeks, taking him back to the countless nights he spent as a child, alone and isolated. After the death of his parents, he felt like he had nobody, even if that wasn't the case, and spent sleepless evenings staining his pillow with his own tears. To Poe, the hardest part was never having the chance to know Finn better, as he had only shared a couple of conversations, yet those couple of words meant so much more than mindless chatter, it was like a bond was formed the moment they escaped the First Order, and the opportunity for them to become closer was slipping away from him. He thought that bringing him home would save him, but he was starting to believe that he was doomed the moment they crossed paths- it was like this was all his fault. Worse even, Finn had saved his life, and it was impossible for him to repay the favour. And so, Poe sank deeper into the floor, where he remained until the early hours of the morning.

\---

His mind never drifted away from Finn, but his physical self did. After that night, he felt unable to see him again. He felt vulnerable, almost ashamed, so he worked more than he had ever worked in his life. Even if he had no assignments, jobs, he found something to do, just to think about something else for some time. Liking the silence and calmness of the med-bay, he began visiting Finn at night after everyone had returned home for the night, and were probably asleep. The metal chair was slowly becoming more and more neglected, as he was spending less nights sleeping over. BB-8, as always, was loyally at his side, offering support in the form of conversation, sympathy, and passing tools when he made repairs. Human behaviour perplexed the droid, and despite him understanding emotions, he couldn't quite understand why Poe was so dismal about a man he hadn't known for very long. They were abruptly interrupted by a droid which Poe immediately recognised- it the droid who was caring for Finn. Upon its arrival. his eyes widened, his face turning white, he looked like he had just seen a ghost. Then, he realised, it was clutching Finn's- well, his jacket. This just made him even more concerned, his eyebrows knitted together. "What happened? Is he okay!?"  
"There is no change to his condition." declared the droid, making Poe feel slightly more at ease. Exhaling deeply and rubbing his eyes, he looked back at the jacket, expecting an explanation. "This is yours, correct?" Poe nodded. "I came to return it to you." Without hesitation, he took the jacket from the droid, laying it near where he worked. Before returning back to work, he gazed at it for a few moments, his head clouded with negativity and dread.  
But then, things began to change.

Jessika and Snap burst into the room where Poe was working, practically taking the door from its hinges, knocking some things from a table nearby. They shared wide eyes and wide smiles, both slightly out of breath. BB-8 made a delayed entrance with an unintelligble sequence of beeps. Poe's head shot up, showing both feelings of confusion and intrigue. "What the fuck are you doin-"  
"He's getting better!" Snap shouts through heavy breaths, both from excitement and running. "He's going to make it!"  
"Wait-what?" Poe is already on his feet, and making his way towards them as they stood in the doorway. "You mean he's awake?"  
"Not exactly," Jessika clarifies." He's in stable condition. though. The medication is finally starting to work. He's going to wake up." His initial reaction was to grab the pair of them and hug them tightly, as he wasn't quite sure how to thank them; or if he needs to thank them at all. Before he can contemplate what he's doing or where he's going, he's already making his way down corridors, and for the first time in what feels like an eternity, a genuine smile upon across his face.

Almost immediately, he visits him, sitting excitedly in the same chair like he has a million times before. But this time, it feels different. The room seemed so much brighter now, like somebody opened the curtains a little wider, but in reality nothing had really physically changed. With every breath, he felt a little bit calmer, fear leaving his body with every exhale. Just over a week ago, this exact spot felt so dark and hopeless. He was so close to just giving up , the fact he felt so positive now almost made him believe it was just a facade, some sort of plan to make him stop the grief he felt, but there was something different about the atmosphere. Everything felt okay again, and as he sat there, he clutched the jacket which symbolised everything they believed in; everything they fought for. It reminded him of the day he met Finn, the day he was still a stormtrooper. It felt like thousands of years ago, as it was so difficult to believe that somebody as kind-hearted as Finn was in the First Order. But, are you really part of something if you don't believe in it? He wasn't really a member, if he disagreed with the idea the entire organisation was based on, right? He had morals- he knew what was right, which is why he left at the first opportunity, but also why he was now stuck here, unable to wake up. It was a matter of time before he came back, and nothing could prepare Poe for that moment.

\---

The wait was agonizing. Exhausting. Monotonous. As if it couldn't get any worse, people began to become suspicious, and by that, they sensed that Poe and Finn weren't entirely platonic. He wasn't really surprised though, as every time Poe began to show any interest in anyone, everybody teased him about it, whether they were just friends or not. However, this just led to many painful and cringe-worthy conversations between the pilot and his co-workers. Even people he hardly knew asked him to confirm any of the gossip they'd overheard."So..." Snap was sat near to Poe, watching him as he doodled on the back of a piece of paper. He hoped it wasn't important, noticing the small images of BB-8 and planes covering it, with a small picture of a person at the bottom. At this point, he just presumed it was Finn because of how much he spoke about him. He smirked, raising an eyebrow. "About you and Finn..." Putting down his pen, Poe sighed, leaning further back into the chair he was sat in. "You believe the rumors too, then".  
"Are you surprised, Dameron? If you're not here, you're with him." Snap mocked, even though he was being more honest than he sounded. Shrugging his shoulders, the edges of Poe's mouth began to rise. "We're friends, honest. I'm just worried about him, that's all."  
"Yeah, friends. Sure, for now." At this remark, Poe rolled his eyes.  
"Who told you about that, anyway?"  
"Well, Jessika and I have been saying this for ages, BB-8 told me he 'detected something', even Rey sensed something was going on, and that was weeks ago."  
The worst part was, they were all probably right, even if he refused to admit it. So instead of dwelling on how he actually had feelings for him despite him trying to hide it, he just stayed silent, but that didn't work either.  
"You've gone quiet all of a sudden."  
"What are you implying, Snap?" As he looked up, he saw Snap smirk at him whilst standing up to leave. He didn't say another word until he was out the door. "You know exactly what I'm implying, Dameron."

That was when he began to freak out. Again. But this time, it was more of a 'what the fuck am I doing', rather than 'what the fuck am i going to do'. Poe didn't believe in love at first sight. He didn't. But no matter how many times he said that to himself, he couldn't think of any other way to describe the first time they met. Poe didn't fall in love, either, but how else would he describe the anything-but-platonic feelings he had? Was he just denying it to himself? He's never had any problems with being attracted to people before, why was he struggling now? Was he scared? These were the questions which kept him up until the early hours of the morning, even if he did blame it on the discomfort the chair brought him, even if that had never caused any problems before. Most of the time, he just forced all these thoughts out of his mind, just pretending they don't exist. He promised himself that he'd deal with it another time. He then realised that he had been lying to himself a lot lately. He sighed. He had no clue how he was going to sort out the mess in his head, or what to do with the ex-stormtrooper lying beside him.

\---

Poe was sprinting down corridors, bumping into people as he rushed past with a rather distressed BB-8 following him. Just a few minutes ago, he got the news that Finn was beginning to wake up, and if he gets there soon enough, would be able to be there when he does, and nothing at that moment was going to stop him to be there. When people saw him running past, they almost immediately knew what for, and made room. He almost felt flattered that he was the biggest piece of gossip spreading around the resistance. It was an odd feeling, though, as Finn waking up was something he had anticipated for a long time, and it was finally here. He was terrified; he had no idea what he would say, do, how Finn would react. All of these thoughts only remained in his head for a few seconds though, as he was focused on not tripping over.

He was stood outside the double doors which led into the med-bay, not being able to bring himself to enter. His hand trembled. Taking a shaky breath, he pushed open the door, peering inside. Finn was lying in the hospital bed, as usual, but his eyes were open. He was looking back at him with an unreadable expression, yet as he quickly walked closer to him, he began to see his face a little clearer. For some reason,he expected him to look excited, maybe even cheerful, yet he looked more frightened, worried, but above all, surprised. His face was scrunched up, his eyes squinting, his mouth open to say something, yet it was like he was reluctant to say anything. "...Poe?" He mumbled. His voice was just as Poe remembered it: warm and trustworthy. It made his heart sink.  
"You're awake. Oh my god you're awake!" He gave up pretending like he wasn't thrilled to see him, so he raced across the room, wrapping his arms around him. BB-8 beeped enthusiastically, also joyful to see Finn finally okay again.  
"It's good to see you." Slowly, Finn rested his head on Poe's shoulder, his arms finding their place around him. It lasted for slightly too long before he pulled away, viewing Poe from top to bottom, almost in disbelief. After giving him a sad smile, he looked up at him, and around the room they were in. "What... happened?"  
"You got hurt, buddy. It was..." Awful? Life-threatning? Brutal? He was unsure about what word fit best, taking a small pause to think about what to say. But instead, everything he had bottled up began to spill from his lips without any intention of stopping. There was nothing he could do to prevent it. "I thought you were dead, Finn. Everyone did. You got worse, and I thought- I didn't think you was going to wake up. I thought I was going to lose you. I kept the jacket though- then you got better- and-"  
"Poe, I'm okay. I'm here." Keeping eye contact for slightly too long caused Poe's face to burn and his hands to tremble slightly. He felt sick, but the good kind of sick. The kind you get when you're really excited but nervous, the kind you get when things begin to fall in place, but you're unsure of what will actually happen. He was enthralled with the rebel stormtrooper who was currently looking at him for the first time in weeks, and it was like he had been woken up as well.  
Finn stayed asleep most of the time, only being awake for a few hours everyday.This was normal, though, as he was still recovering, and this was in the process of completely waking up from the coma he was in. He was only able to move very slightly, as the damage to his back was more severe than anyone expected, and thus, the new thing everyone was worried about was the possibility of him being completely paralysed. It was better than being dead, Poe told himself out of pure fear. On the other hand, he had a small chance of making a total recovery if the medication and physiotherapy worked to its full potential, restoring a tiny bit of hope to those in the Resistance who cared about him. It would take time, but Poe was willing to be patient, and he hoped Finn was, too. Even if Poe visited daily, it was a rare occurrence that the two of them were awake at the same time, as a lot of the time, they refused to wake the other one up. As a small gift, Poe often sneaked in food from the mess hall, leaving it on a small plate by his bedside, as something nice to wake up to, and something to tell him that he stopped by.

"I heard you talking sometimes." Finn was in the bed as usual, but was sat up more than usual. The therapy must be working, Poe realised. "I couldn't see anything, obviously, and sometimes the things I heard didn't make much sense, but i heard your voice." As Finn cast his mind back to the past few weeks, he smiled slightly. It must have been contagious, as Poe began to smile, too. "You told me about the stupid jokes Jessika makes, and about the practice flights around D'Qar, and how BB-8 was arguing with C-3PO the other day..."  
"You heard all that? I had no idea." He was shaking his head and laughing out of pure disbelief. It was almost like he had never left.  
"I don't know if some of it was real, though, I probably dreamt some of it."  
"What else did you hear?" Finn's eyes scrunched up in concentration, trying to recall exactly what happened.  
"I think... Yeah, I might have heard someone crying? I don't know, It was probably a dream. I doubt it was real."  
Poe swallowed. He was hurt by the fact Finn didn't expect anybody to cry over him, therefore just assuming it was fake, and something his head had made up. But also, he was worried over what Finn would do if he discovered that it was real, and it was Poe who was crying. Not wanting to directly lie to Finn, he just stayed quiet, which once again, didn't work as well as he had hoped, because Finn was glaring at him suspiciously.  
"Are you alright?" He asked, sounding concerned.  
"Hm? Oh, right, yeah. " Poe cleared his throat awkwardly. "I'm fine." In return, Finn sighed, one eyebrow raised condescendingly. This caused Poe's heart to beat slightly faster, which then made Poe curse himself for being so weak around him. He rubbed his face to try to hide the blush which was spreading across his cheeks, but by the grin plastered on Finn's face, he was unsuccessful.

With time and Poe's assistance, Finn was beginning to walk again, as he could force a few steps before becoming too exhausted to move again. His recovery was being called a miracle at most, as despite the technology and medication the resistance had perfected over the years, very few survive such harsh injuries, and somehow, he was able to spring back from all this and walk out healthy again. Finn's arm was thrown around Poe's shoulders, as he focused on lifting his leg and moving it a few inches forward, his brow furrowed, his breathing steady, and his eyes were fixated to the ground in concentration.  
"You can do this, just a little further!" Poe clung on to him, probably because he was terrified of Finn making one dodgy step and injuring himself. In response, Finn nodded his head enthusiastically, taking a sharp inhale of breath, taking one small step. Poe grinned widely. "There we go, you're doing so well, we're getting closer!" Finn turned his head to the side, enabling him to look up to Poe. He felt Finn's gentle breath on his neck, sending shivers down his spine. He did his best to stay focused on the floor, but that was extremely difficult since he could feel Finn's eyes attached to him. Since they were at such a close proximity, he forced himself not to turn his head to meet his eyes. Finn soon looked back ahead, and began to force himself to walk a little further, even if Poe begged him not too. In all fairness, it was pretty clear that Finn was exhausted and was straining himself, but he pushed himself. Then, he froze. Poe froze, too.  
"Um, Finn? Are you okay?"  
"It's my leg, I can't move it, I can't get back." Even though he was stranded in the middle of the med-bay, he looked calm and unconcerned. "I'm sorry Poe, this used to always happen. It means I've been an idiot and pushed myself too much."  
"Don't be, you didn't do anything wrong, I promise." He turned his head ever so slightly to look at him, and Finn was already staring back at him. "I'm proud of you." Finn smiled slightly. "Lean against me a little more, I'll help you get back." After nodding in agreement, he put almost all of his bodyweight on Poe, who wrapped his arm around his waist., practically picking him up and taking him back to the hospital bed.

Finn was sat up in the hospital bed and, regardless of his effort, was struggling to keep his eyes open. Poe chuckled. "You can sleep if you want, Finn, I don't mind."  
"I'm okay, honest." He mumbled, rubbing his eyes, refusing to succumb to how tired he actually was.  
"I think you're lying to me." Poe teased, one eyebrow raised, smirking. After a few moments of reticence, Finn looked back at him, taking a deep breath. "Thank you."  
"For what?" Poe was both confused, flattered, but also intrigued.  
"For not giving up on me when the world did." With a palpitating heart and wide eyes, Poe bit his lip, not even trying to hide the blush which was growing on his face. He ran a hand through his hair and laughed silently. He tried to restrain himself he really did, but before he could process what was happening, the distance between them was shrinking, and then their lips were pressed together.

No kiss had ever made Poe feel like this; his entire body tingled, the blood in his veins turned hot. It was like time had stopped, or at least slowed, like it lasted forever, but over too soon. Poe's hands wrapped around Finn's neck. pulling each other even closer. Their lips moved together perfectly like clockwork, as if they were just meant to be together. Finn's hand was pressed gently on Poe's chest, his other cupping Poe's jaw. Poe could feel Finn's lips grow into a smile which they both shared, their foreheads pressing together. When they pulled away, they were still holding on to each other, their foreheads touching.

Poe once didn't believe in love at first sight, and he once thought that nobody was capable of setting his heart on fire or making him feel dizzy. Yet, here he was: hopelessly in love with Finn, the ex-stormtrooper, the man he had been infatuated with ever since they had first met.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've ever actually posted, so I hope you enjoyed it! I've become slightly too obsessed with these two and I just kind of went with it.
> 
> Title from 'The Fault In Our Stars' by Troye Sivan :)


End file.
